Dave’s Ramblings

(London Evening Standard)

Inspired by the Star Wars film “Revenge Of The Sith”, Mark Webb, 20, and Shelley Mandiville, 17, decided to get a video of their own “light saber” duel. Not having access to Hollywood special effects, the couple from Hemel Hempstead, Hertfordshire, England, filled two fluorescent light tubes with gasoline and lit them on fire. Burn unit doctors say they have a 50 percent chance of survival, and police are trying to find the cameraman to learn more about what happened….Seeing as he was the only one smart enough to leave.

I’m all for fun, and if it can been blown up, hey all the cooler, but there is a point to where craziness meets stupidity. I have GOT to find some footage of this boneheaded stunt!

Subject: FW: The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: “Hello”
WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you still at the club?”
MAN: “Yes”
WOMAN: “I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”
MAN: “Sure… go ahead if you like it that much.”
WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked.”
MAN: “How much?”
WOMAN: “$260,000!”
MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing….the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $950,000.”
MAN: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000.”
WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later. I love you!”
MAN: “Bye, I love you, too.”

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he asks: “Anyone know whose phone this is?”

First heard this one on the Bob and Tom radio show… the mental image created if you sit and think about it for less than 10 seconds is quite humorous.

I’ll have to find some new ways of using it both in and out of context now to help spread this fabulous new noun/adjective.

Example:
It is feasible to guess that by November, 2001, the word asshat was now in full usage all around the United States. Secretary of State Collin Powell was quoth in early 2002 as saying the following at a State Dinner: (in regards to Usama bin Laden) “We have not yet found that asshat [bin Laden], but we’re sure as hell trying.”

Lifted from here, where the official definition is being stored awaiting Webster to print it.

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I’ve got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that’s not the worst of it.

My fenders are too wide to be considered stylish. They were once as sleek as little MG; now they look more like an old Buick. My seat cushions have split open at the seams.

My seats are sagging. Seat belts? I gave up all belts when Krispy Cremes opened a shop in my neighborhood! Air bags? Forget it. The only bags I have these days are under my eyes. Not counting the saddlebags, of course.

I have soooooo many miles on my odometer. Sure, I’ve been many places and seen many things, but when’ s the last time an appraiser factored life experiences against depreciation? My headlights are out of focus and it’s especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.

My fuel rate burns inefficiently. But here’s the worst of it almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter….. either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

originally entitled “Trade In Wanted” and published by the Ozark Senior Living Newspaper in November 2003 by Linda S Amstutz

Overheard from a friend….

The entrance opens, two men dressed in pilots’ uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they’re headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, “You know, Frank, one of these days, they’re gonna scream too late and we’re all gonna die.